What A Week!

So I am officially back at work. What the hell was I thinking? My back is so sore and I am so damn tired. I love being a nurse, not working as one. If that makes any sense!

My diet has been a yo-yo dilemma all week. I have managed to lose 1.5kg. YEAH! But it has been a hard slog. I was down 2.5kg but gained back a kilo due to poor eating. I have not exercised due to the rain and the fact that I get home and just want to curl up and cry. My body is not taking this too well. Heavy lifting and rolling is putting strain on my back and I am not sure how much longer it will be before it gives out totally. I would leave if I did not need to gain the experience so badly. Since graduating last year and moving interstate etc, I have not gained enough experience, so I need to hit the wards for at least 6 months. I am truly hating it.

I had a patient who was told that she had only a matter of days or weeks left to live. I sat and held her hand while she cried. She is only 65 years old and is worried she may not get to see her children once more before she goes. My own immortality came rushing home. All the "what ifs" streamed through my mind about how I treat my own body and how we never truly know our own due dates. I came home and drowned my sorrows in chocolate. Hugged my own children and feel a deep sense of loss for this woman.

My ward is mostly filled with people who cannot do their own daily living care. Almost all are incontinent of urine and faeces and my day is spent cleaning them, giving meds, changing sheets and lifting them to dress wounds and shower them.

My goal in nursing is to be an educator, something that I must do more study for and something that is out of my reach until I do my share of the hard work which means hitting the floor of the wards. Some days, like today, I continually doubt myself as to whether I am really cut out for this. Sad really, when I have spent many years trying to become a Nurse.

The staff on my floor are not to bad but I have been thrown in to either sink or swim. In my younger years I would have invited the challenge. Today, with so many law suits and risks of medication errors, I feel overwhelmed. I am back to smoking heavily, which brings about a new set of stresses, as I see patients with COPD and smoking related diseases dying in front of me and you would think that would be enough to make me quit. I am so stressed, I smoke, then stress that I am going to end up like them, then smoke, it is a vicious circle.

My hubby goes in for an operation in a couple of days and will be at home for 2 weeks to recover. I am working full time and split shift. My days will turn into a blur as I try to help my husband recover, look after kids, work, study and try to keep the household going.

I am usually a very optimistic person who can see the funny side of life even in its dark moments. But today, I just feel mentally and physically exhausted. I feel like I am on an out of control roller coaster and too afraid to jump off!!

I am back to logging my food intake, I will try and cut back on smoking too. I will incorporate more vitamins and eat healthy to give my body something to run on and I will try to exercise at least twice this week. Forward we go!